Disclaimer –

Derek's work has been registered at the U.S. Library of Congress, so it would be a terrible financial idea to plagiarize or use any of the material found on this website for your own purposes. Nevertheless, enjoy the writing!

Student: After your time in this course, you should be able to demonstrate full knowledge of the subject matter.  Your own intuition and in-depth study of this area of research has attributed to present knowledge of Will Hickey.  Though you have demonstrated supreme command of this subject matter, this written test is required to continue in pursuit of your BFA, PhD, ERS, SCUBA degree in your Will Hickey major.  This test is devised to target those individuals who excel in this area and proceed to the next year of concentrated study in relation to 'Will Hickey'.  I wish you the best of luck on this exam, and I look forward to seeing you in the fall, and in bookstores, purchasing my newest work, The Shishkabob of Life, a revelational look at Will Hickey's existence and in depth reflection on the related subject matter.
                                                                                                                               Prof. Edward "Binky" Fulton

Name___________________  Date___________  Class_____________  Section___________________

1)  William Hickey's middle name is:
    A. Hernando
    B. Rose
    C. Vincent
    D. Philabuster
    E. A and D

2)  This time of year, Mr. Hickey is engaged in ________________'s educational institution, and he is _________________:
    A. Emerson - listening to Phil Collins
    B. Emerson - studying for his final exams
    C. MIT - making fudge
    D. Next door - raising a goblin army
    E. A and B
    F. C but not D, and half of E
    G. None of the above

3)  Are you Will Hickey?
    A. yes *
    B. no

* - if you have circled yes, I am afraid I am going to have to ask to surrender your exam and leave the classroom.  The result will not count against you.

4)  Tonight, April 30th, Will Hickey will be:
    A. Investigating the President on channel 7
    B. Investigating channel 7 with the President
    C. Channeling the President through 7 investigations
    D. Performing at his voice recital with his guitar and is very nervous
    E. Studying, and then going onto the T and terrorizing passengers with plastic silverware

5)  Will Hickey is:
    A. male
    B. female
    C. Bruce Campbell

6)  The last letter received by Will Hickey was from ______________ and invoked a feeling of ___________:
    A. Long deceased scientist Louis Pasteur - horror
    B. Derek Sonderfan - confusion
    C. Daniel Stern - nudity
    D. a coffee table - remorse

7)  Will Hickey feels:
    A. glad the year is over, but wondering what to do with the summer
    B. strange about leaving, because he wishes he could spend more time with the people he has met
    C. sad about leaving, and just wishing some things had worked out differently
    D. strange, wondering what it will be like at home with everyone back
    E. like a canary (cheep cheep)
    F. all of the above (except E)

8)  How many times did I write the term 'subject matter' in the opening statement?
    A. 3
    B. 4
    C. 12
    D. 2

Part II: Fill in the blank

Below are a number of words you are going to use in the following phrases to answer questions about Will Hickey.  Not all of the words are used, but many are interchangeable. 

sad                               girl                                  budding alcoholic                           acting
  slut                    depressed                                        Antonio                      Freidrich Neitzche
     pancreas                            friends              truth                                situation
pointless                   Ralph                                 sorry                                              jealous
          found someone                 Renes Decartes                          Canada                            coward
                                    writing                                          circus midgets

1) Last week, Will was online arguing with some of his friends.  In his chemically imbalanced state, Will called Kristen Caldwell a __________________, and is now wondering how and if he should make ammends.

2) Will drank a one-litre bottle of bacardi rum on his own because he is (a) ___________________.

3) Yesterday, Will had his final _____________ class.  It was a bit of a dower, and Will hopes to stay in touch with some of his classmates who he feels he has just begun to know.  Fortunately, his instructor _____________ has said Will can come to him with anything next year.

4) Will feels out of his touch with his ________________ at the moment.

5) Go figure, but for the past week, Will has had a certain _____________________ on his mind, which of course, has no chance of working out unless Hell suddenly starts going easy on snowballs.

6) For the past week, Will feels _____________.

7) ______________________ is the author of The Discourse of Method and is considered the father of modern philosophy.

8) Will realized on Tuesday, while attending a local band affair at the Sweetwater Bar, how _______________ he can be, even though he denies that he is.

9) Although he may not seem that way, Will is happy that Derek _____________________.

10) This summer, Will wants to do more __________________.

Essay Questions

1) Write a comparative essay relating Will Hickey's latest performance in Women and Wallace to the '86 Baltimore Orioles playoff season.  Use information from your text to support your evidence.

2) Write an essay describing Will Hickey's journey into the ghetto of Boston to pick up some cash his parents wired to him on Wednesday.  Include finding the Orange Line, going to the wrong office, and being late for his last Media Arts screening in your essay.

3) What do you think of my tie?  Tell me in 500 or more words, starting with the word, 'Seriously'

4) Write an essay describing Will's view on life.  Argue the theory that his life is just a serious of upsets.  Or, tell if you agree with it and why.

5) Bob Barker never knew Will Hickey.  What if he did?  Write a simulated dialogue between the two.  Use the information from your book, "Theories on Confrontation: if Hickey and Barker Had Brunch"

6) Are you looking forward to seeing Ernie Hallet?  Sure, we all are.  Write an essay about how his moving away in the fall affects you.  Include, if you find it necessary, the fact that Kim Perry will rip out Will Hickey's throat when he gets home.  Inform the police in the interest of his well-being.