Disclaimer –

Derek's work has been registered at the U.S. Library of Congress, so it would be a terrible financial idea to plagiarize or use any of the material found on this website for your own purposes. Nevertheless, enjoy the writing!

Hey guys!  This is the SIXTEEN! quiz!  It's really easy too!  Just follow the quiz by circling (on a separate sheet of paper - do NOT click on your computer) the letter that best matches your response.  At the bottom is the key to the point values of each answer.  Tally up your responses and find out how you scored.  Today's topic:


1) When talking to a close friend, what sort of body language do you tend to use?
    a. Hugging them, sometimes hard enough to cause slight back pain
    b. Standing straight in front of them, staring at them eerily
    c. Swinging in front of them on a trapeze
    d. You don't talk to people

2) Which best describes your traditional greeting at a party? 
    a. "Please shoot me, they got the Backstreet Boys album."
    b. "Like, no way!  They got the new Backstreet Boys album!"
    c. "Does everyone like my Backstreet Boys costume?"
    d. "I am the Backstreet Boys."

3) When corresponding to the following address, facejob@eden.rutgers.edu, who are you e-mailing?
    a. Stacey Raymond
    b. some hunk like Jonathan Taylor Thomas
    c. French renaissance playwright Moliere
    d. yourself

4) Speaking of social life, how would you describe it?
    a. like a raging fire
    b. like a blossoming flower
    c. like a traffic jam
    d. like the Hindenburg disaster

5) When writing theme emails to a friend in New Brunswick, you tend to...
    a. write him comprehensive accounts of your life
    b. equally mix the accounts with imagination
    c. have gotten so carried away with the themes that you almost forgot entirely to include accounts of your life
    d. have bad gas

6) When you see a really cute girl on a bus or at the dining hall, you (like Derek)...
    a. immediately go up and introduce yourself, possibly exchanging phone numbers
    b. don't have a prayer
    c. get very shy and hurl yourself out the window
    d. obsess over this girl for a long time but never actually instigate anything
    e. b, c, and d

7) Your idea of a fun activity is:
    a. getting drunk on cheap booze
    b. 7 Minutes in Heaven
    c. a Backstreet Boys concert
    d. getting drunk on cheap booze and ultimately playing 7 Minutes in Heaven with one (or all) of the members of the Backstreet Boys

8) You thought that last question was...
    a. funny
    b. sorta sick
    c. misnumbered
    d. actually considered an act of heresy
    e. a fresh alternative to showering

9) You find when you don't have much free time, it's because of which of any of the following?
    a. your ledrehosen dress-up day
    b. Balm in Gilead rehearsals, which are somewhat pointless because your part is not all that big, and you spend a majority of each rehearsal not doing anything
    c memorizing new scenes recently distributed in your acting class
    d. trying desperately to complete 'The Unusual Suspects' by Thanksgiving so you have something to show your friends
    e. your genital warts

10) So, how has your year been going, Will?
    a. Pretty good - I like Emerson more this year.
    b. Okay I guess - my social life keeps holding my schoolwork down
    c. It's been better - I wish I knew the Backstreet Boys
    d. Why is my name in the SIXTEEN Magazine?

11) Your guy/girl wants to watch 'Sixteen Candles', but you're much more in an 'Evil Dead' mood.  How do you resolve the situation?
    a. Agree to watch his/her movie first, and then watch yours.
    b. Demand you watch your movie first, and then dump her before her movie comes on
    c. with physical violence
    d. declare war on Switzerland

12) People of the opposite sex are generally attracted to you because of:
    a. your charming personality and witty sense of humor
    b. your boyish good looks and smooth manner with which you carry yourself
    c. the large sum of money you pay them
    d. your ability to make really good lemonade
    e. the simple fact that you're Fabio

13) If Kristen Caldwell randomly called up a friend of yours named Derek, how do you think he would react? 
    a. surprised to see that she was in the area
    b. curious to invite her over because every one of his roommates has drooled over pictures of her
    c. laughing very loud because she never left a phone number and therefore Derek can't get back to her
    d. he would get a restraining order
    e. have you heard the new Backstreet Boys album?

14) What person was NOT on Rutgers campus recently?
    a. Bert Weg
    b. Daryl Van Ry
    c. Gemma Schettino
    d. Nelson Mandella

15) What would your response be if a total stranger started to touch you in a place you didn't feel comfortable with?
    a. "Please stop!"
    b. "No, no, can you get my back?"
    c. "Jesus, what the hell is that, an ICE SCRAPER?"
    d. Nothing.  You'd just walk along as if this kind of behavior happens all the time, even if the stranger walks alongside you, continually touching you in a weird place
    e. "Oh thank you, Backstreet Boys!"

16) What is your feeling towards loaning something to a friend?
    a. as long as they bring it back in the same condition they found it, it is okay
    b. as long as they eventually bring it back, it's okay
    c. only if they give you something as collateral
    d. no, you prefer to keep your things to yourself

17) On a scale from 1-10, how would you rank that last question?
    a. 10
    b. 9.89
    c. 9.94
    d. 10
    e. none of the above

18) If you were a Mason Gross student who was in a play at the moment, your Thanksgiving break would be reduced to what?
    a. just Wednesday the 25th and Thursday the 26th
    b. much too short
    c. several days in March and three hours in the summer
    d. your junior year

19) Where do you find you put the most trust?
    a. in your friends and family
    b. in a safe
    c. in your pants
    d. like it matters... you know you're going to pick 'c'

20) The pilot-themed Email was very...
    a. original
    b. funny
    c. recent
    d. all of the above

21) Finish this quote: "One small step for man..."
    a. "one giant leap for mankind."
    b. "two hamburgers, a large order of onion rings, and some Mountain Dew."
    c. "No."
    d. "Bob Dole doesn't finish any quotes that Bob Dole doesn't start."

22) In high pressure situations, such as deadlines and blind dates, you tend to...
    a. stay calm and collected
    b. stay calm, but not always collected
    c. stay collected, and alternate that with being somewhat calm
    d. simply shoot yourself in the foot
    e. put on a little girl's bra and panties and sing the Blossom theme song

23) Which nickname would your friends be most likely to call you?
    a. JTT
    b. Suitcase
    c. Norman
    d. Plicky-rats
    e. friends?!?!

24) What have you, like Derek, been spending your free time doing?
    a. free time?!?!  Hahaha!
    b. working on that song with Bryan that will ultimately be entered into the Conan O'Brien band contest.  It is going quite well, and it is very funny
    c. trying to salvage as much sleep as possible
    d. trying to do as much writing as possible
    e. crack

25) How is your acting class going?
    a. I've been getting a really good handle on Meisner training this year, and it looks much more hopeful
    b. we've been doing lots of movement exercises, which inevitably means rolling around with the entire class
    c. very good, though I'm a bit sad that I got a new partner, not because I don't like the new partner particularly, but because I really worked very well with the last partner
    d. ever see Titanic?
    e. I had a dirty dream about the Backstreet Boys last night

For every A you circled, give yourself 5 points.
For every B you circled, give yourself 3 points.
For every C you circled, give yourself 2 points.
For every D you circled, give yourself 0 points.
If you circled any E's, take away two points.

125-100 points:
You are very easy to get along with on both a friendship and romantic basis.  Actually, you might be too easy to get along with, and therefore everyone will end up despising you for it.  Of course, you had absolutely no fun whatsoever taking this test.
99-70 points: You are quite a lot of fun to have around, but you, like the nerd above you, really won't have many friends either.  Ironic how this test works, isn't it?
69 or 68 points: You are actually Leonard Maltin, the famous movie critic.
67-45 points: You are somewhere in the middle.  These are typically the people who don't like extremens.  In fact, you don't like extremes so much that this write-up itself is too much for you.  Buy a book or something.
44-15 points: You're not easy to get along with at all, and not only that, you're probably really not looked upon that well by the opposite sex.  But you probably had more fun than most people taking this test, and not only that, but you're really good at minor arithmatic dilemmas.
15-0 points: You are the scum of the Earth.  Nobody, including other people who scored between a 15 and a 0 on this test, would ever consider talking to you, even under gunpoint.  Now would be a great time to consider kamikazi pilot as a career.
Less than 0 points: This is truly bad, because it implies that you circled at least one of the letter E's on this test.  You should immedaitely check into a mental institution and for God's sake, stop going to stores and buying SIXTEEN magazines.  I'd hate to think this is what our business has sunk down to.
-24 points: You have failed this test completely.  You are obviously some member of the Backstreet Boys.  Get a life.

Next week: Are you a good accountant?