Disclaimer –

Derek's work has been registered at the U.S. Library of Congress, so it would be a terrible financial idea to plagiarize or use any of the material found on this website for your own purposes. Nevertheless, enjoy the writing!

3 Nuts In Search of a Bolt: a small boy named Phillip gets trapped up to his waist in cement at age 7. The neighborhood kids all line up and kick him in the head in this 2 hour documentary (Mitch)

A Lady Takes a Chance : a young woman's love for her boyfriend is tested as he is put under a large cup and is shuffled around with other large cups - she can only marry him if she selects him (Derek)

Assignment Terror: an openly black man scares the bejesus out of a closet KKK member (Derek)

Do You Like Women?: a man in a suit behind a desk appears and asks, "Do you like women?" He then stares at you unnervingly, impatiently waiting for an answer for two hours. For the last five minutes of the film, he is clearing his throat (Bryan)

How Sweet It Is: a chocolateur makes a fortune by replacing the chocolate Easter bunny with the chocolate Easter Judas (Corey)

I Hate Blondes: it wasn’t actually a movie as it was a plan concocted by a man who loved blondes.  He figured the movie title would lure brunettes to the theatre where he’d proceed to gas them (Corey)

I’m Dangerous Tonight: in a world without multi-celled organisms, only one paramecium has the guts to take it to the man.  Rated R for violence, mitotic division, and unlanguage (Kevin)

Incredible Melting Man: a poignant look at a man who can only exist at absolute zero. Running time: .06 seconds (Derek)

Kansas City Bomber: "In a world without hope, one man had the courage to stand tall. One man who had a dream to fight for freedom through the perils of war. One man to save us all. That makes three men. All doing the same friggin' thing. For our country." (Bryan)

Little Cigars: 50 minutes of romantic-comedy set in a pickling plant; single mother finds love with nosey janitor. Concluding 55 minutes of Asian-American women screaming (Eric R)

New Pastures: two childhood friends meet up again to fight over the ashes of the kid they accidentally killed in second grade (Aaron)

Only One Night: you've always heard the New York Times rave about movies…now a film that raves about the New York Times (Will)

Operation Bullshine: Hey kids!  Let’s learn alternative ways to cuss!  Spoiler alert: they fuckin’ fail the mission (Sara)

Seed People: the period film of the harvesters who planted seeds in the dirt. Problem is, they grew dirt, so they were often overlooked (Bryan)

Shack Out on 101: the story of a bum who convinced everybody the toll booth he took over was an actual residence (Susan)

Someone Behind the Door: a rich billionaire who watched his parents die as a child chooses to fight evil by hiding behind doors and opening them into people (Cyrus)

Sssssss: World War II drama about the least creative, rug-tug German Naval ship, the fabled S.S.S.S.S.S.S. (Eric R)

That Sinking Feeling: confessions of a developer who built nursing homes on swamps and felt bad when he realized people do miss old people after all (Erika)

The Fabulous Joe: Stalin goes on 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy' (Max)

The Girl Less Likely: 64,000 rapid shots of foliage culminating in the credits (Derek)

The Outing: frustrated girlfriend invents the opposite of baseball (Stephanie)

The Secret Life of Archie’s Wife: Edith Bunker’s true identity is revealed as a KGB mole, whose assignment was to steal government secrets from Archie, only to discover she was the butt of a cruel office joke (Susan)

The Tuttles of Tahiti: the first film where the subtitles are screamed by a hyperactive 2nd grader (Bryan)