After twenty-eight years of various ailments, the genetic make-up of a septegenarian, and enough cosmetic shortcomings to keep the clinics of LA in business for years, Derek has made a potentially life-altering decision to undergo the knife.  What would prompt him to do this after almost three decades of existing as natural evolution produced him?  "Well," said a source close to Derek on the condition that we released his parents from captivity, "he hasn't been happy about his looks for quite some time.  Now seriously, this time I want THEM, not mannequins!" 

Derek has been discontented, our scoopers discovered, for years over certain physical traits over which he has no control, most notably his "Middle-Earth complexion" and his "European teeth".  This is not a surprise to anyone, as he has often commented that he is made up entirely of recessive genes.  So when word broke of a possible cosmetic alteration, we sent our roving reporter Deedee Entrails to get a first-hand account.  Deedee, having the directional skills of the Titanic's navigator, ended up getting lost in a fireplace in East Hartford. 

We have managed to ascertain some hospital records with preperatory procedural memos that helped shed some light on the upcoming operation.  Is Derek getting his teeth fixed?  Is he getting actual nipples infused into his chest and not the featureless discolored spots that currently reside there?  Is he getting liposuction?  A nose job?  Random skin grafts? 

No, it turns out Derek will be testing an extremely cutting-edge (no pun intended) procedure that will give the budding playwright mandibles.  Said the anesthesiologist Talsie Tubb, "It seems the laborious process of physically bringing food from his plate to his mouth... no, shhh, no... has, uh, caused enough of a bother to warrant this experimental procedure.  Dr. Bupkis, no!  They're... Look, we here at Blunder Bound Hospital are excited to be the ones... for the last time, Dr., no!... sanctioned to endeavor such a landmark surgery.  Fine, Dr. Bupkis!  But this is the LAST gurney ride for you!"

The procedure will take anywhere from 2 hours to six months, depending on if his cheeks take to the claw-like extentions right away, and if the bleeding continues at a slow enough pace to periodically clot along the way.  When asked how he would afford this, Derek didn't respond, because Deedee Entrails asked the question to a pair of fireplace tongs during what she considered was an award-winning interview. 

Stay right here to see how the operation turns out!