In what many politicians and historians are calling the biggest tactical blunder ever by a branch of American government, the Esoderek Act was passed in Congress by a somewhat staggering vote of 9-0, with all other representatives abstaining because they had more important things to do. Considering the vast array of stupid decisions the American government has made over the years, this import of this new bit of legislation will have far-reaching effects, mainly to people who bother to read and follow the new guidelines imposed by the bill.
Under the Esoderek Act, there will be significant changes in a myriad of aspects of daily life. For instance, under section 1.4.22 (if bills have sections that look like that), the U.S. Navy will be hereby referred to as the "New Swashbucklers", and will be commissioned to sing at bat-mitzvahs for at least three months of the year. Their traditional white uniforms will be replaced by strategically-placed packets of mustard, and the only title allowed under the new Act for any naval officer will be "Patsy"
The ramifications of the Esoderek are more wide-reaching than simply in our military, too. Provision 4.2.41 states that "no less than 80% of the money originially allocated for the preservation and safeguarding of our global environment will be spent on cotton candy or bear traps." Of course, this is a translation from the bill's original written language, Esperanto.
Further complications from the bill will be felt in areas ranging from labor unions (they will no longer be numbered, but referred to as different types of birds, which really cheeses off the Budgie Union) to international commerce (whose business will now have to be conducted via aqueducts) to time zoning (from 24 zones to sixty thousand) to major league basebally (the Brewers will no longer be allowed to play) to space exploration (all future NASA missions will be unmanned, and most of them will be to Norway) to recycling (there will now be a bin for human bone recycling) to election policy (drawing lots), exchange rates (every monetary unit is equal to 5 of every other currency), and even prostitution (it's mandatory now).
Likely, there will be backlash from the passing of such a controversial bill, and it will probably be the catalyst for what experts are calling 'pandemonium the likes of which we haven't ever seen, but we could get a good idea from watching old disaster movies'. Our scoopers could not get a direct quote from Derek, after whom the bill's nineteen hundred provisions and corollaries are named. They did manage to get a quote from Derek's eighth grade math teacher who pointed out that Derek was not only good at algebra, but he often would use one sheet of paper to complete two or more homework assignments. More on this story as it develops, except probably not because internet use has been limited to only during hailstorms according to the Esoderek Act.
Under the Esoderek Act, there will be significant changes in a myriad of aspects of daily life. For instance, under section 1.4.22 (if bills have sections that look like that), the U.S. Navy will be hereby referred to as the "New Swashbucklers", and will be commissioned to sing at bat-mitzvahs for at least three months of the year. Their traditional white uniforms will be replaced by strategically-placed packets of mustard, and the only title allowed under the new Act for any naval officer will be "Patsy"
The ramifications of the Esoderek are more wide-reaching than simply in our military, too. Provision 4.2.41 states that "no less than 80% of the money originially allocated for the preservation and safeguarding of our global environment will be spent on cotton candy or bear traps." Of course, this is a translation from the bill's original written language, Esperanto.
Further complications from the bill will be felt in areas ranging from labor unions (they will no longer be numbered, but referred to as different types of birds, which really cheeses off the Budgie Union) to international commerce (whose business will now have to be conducted via aqueducts) to time zoning (from 24 zones to sixty thousand) to major league basebally (the Brewers will no longer be allowed to play) to space exploration (all future NASA missions will be unmanned, and most of them will be to Norway) to recycling (there will now be a bin for human bone recycling) to election policy (drawing lots), exchange rates (every monetary unit is equal to 5 of every other currency), and even prostitution (it's mandatory now).
Likely, there will be backlash from the passing of such a controversial bill, and it will probably be the catalyst for what experts are calling 'pandemonium the likes of which we haven't ever seen, but we could get a good idea from watching old disaster movies'. Our scoopers could not get a direct quote from Derek, after whom the bill's nineteen hundred provisions and corollaries are named. They did manage to get a quote from Derek's eighth grade math teacher who pointed out that Derek was not only good at algebra, but he often would use one sheet of paper to complete two or more homework assignments. More on this story as it develops, except probably not because internet use has been limited to only during hailstorms according to the Esoderek Act.