Our latest scoops have just spoken directly with someone who knew a good friend of an acquaintance of Derek. Apparently, Derek has had numerous hobbies over the years, including disc golf, astronomy, bowling, hiking, and impersonating a mammoth. These have all been great outlets in his life, but he truly has desired to look elsewhere to fulfill the gratuitous urges in his life. It may at last be the time for him to get involved in curling.
This came as a shock to executives who, although they'd never heard of Derek Sonderfan, couldn't fathom why the aspiring artist would give up his hopes and dreams after what could ostensibly be considered barely a modicum of professional indifference. Jules Butterplatter, a renowned Occupational Complacency Analyst from Columbia University - or perhaps a dairy farmer - shed light on this precarious situation. "Really, when you milk 'em too hard, you're gonna get spoilt milk. So it's more like gently pulling Venetian blinds, not choking a snake."
A family member of Derek's, speaking on the condition of boredom, confirmed Derek's sudden change of heart, adding "Flurbt," as she was being gagged. After the random stalker was detained, the family member was ungagged and let finish. "He's been considering quite a few different fields to which he might direct his focus. Inasmuch as I can tell, flurbt" she concluded, having been gagged by a second, unrelated hooligan. What are the odds of that? Once again, order prevailed and Derek's relative was allowed to conclude. "He's thinking about careers in birdwatching, beekeeping, goatspilling, and deadratwarbling." An awkward pause ensued, at which point Derek's relative bound and gagged herself and hopped away.
Our sources finally let out that Derek doesn't plan to sever his ties to the arts altogether, as he has become quite an accomplished oregamist, having completed scale models of an eagle and the ocean floor. In the meantime, however, he will not be out at a disc golf course, in a bowling alley, or impersonating any mammoths any time soon.
This came as a shock to executives who, although they'd never heard of Derek Sonderfan, couldn't fathom why the aspiring artist would give up his hopes and dreams after what could ostensibly be considered barely a modicum of professional indifference. Jules Butterplatter, a renowned Occupational Complacency Analyst from Columbia University - or perhaps a dairy farmer - shed light on this precarious situation. "Really, when you milk 'em too hard, you're gonna get spoilt milk. So it's more like gently pulling Venetian blinds, not choking a snake."
A family member of Derek's, speaking on the condition of boredom, confirmed Derek's sudden change of heart, adding "Flurbt," as she was being gagged. After the random stalker was detained, the family member was ungagged and let finish. "He's been considering quite a few different fields to which he might direct his focus. Inasmuch as I can tell, flurbt" she concluded, having been gagged by a second, unrelated hooligan. What are the odds of that? Once again, order prevailed and Derek's relative was allowed to conclude. "He's thinking about careers in birdwatching, beekeeping, goatspilling, and deadratwarbling." An awkward pause ensued, at which point Derek's relative bound and gagged herself and hopped away.
Our sources finally let out that Derek doesn't plan to sever his ties to the arts altogether, as he has become quite an accomplished oregamist, having completed scale models of an eagle and the ocean floor. In the meantime, however, he will not be out at a disc golf course, in a bowling alley, or impersonating any mammoths any time soon.