This is a follow-up to a rumor, once thought to be busted, from over a year ago.
It is historically well-documented that Derek Sonderfan has never been a fan of politics. In fact, he has often been quoted as paraphrasing Braveheart and, in a haughty British accent, he would say, "The problem with politics is that it's full of Scots." So it has come as a great surprise to many friends and family members alike when Derek announced that, not only is he actively involved in the political scene, he is forming his own political party, the Wigs. It has no correlation to the famed Whig party; in fact, the main unifying element of Derek's Wig party is that they get to wear those old powdered wigs made famous in Elizabethan farces and Monty Python courtroom sketches.
Now, there are plenty of political parties already out there today, so what makes the Wig Party different? Well, let's look at the current parties and their defining characteristics. There's the Republican Party (The No-Fun Party), the Democratic Party (The Inaction Party), the Independent Party (the Less-Popular Inaction Party), the Libertarian Party (The Really? There's A Libertarian Party?), the Green Party (The ... I Don't Know... I Guess Green Party?) and The Constitution Party (The Bad-Theme-Party Party). Simply, Derek wanted something that none of these parties had, and it's CHANGE. Sure, the Democrats prattle on about how they are going to change things, but will they change anything, really?
You can bet that some of the hotly contested issues of today will be frontrunners of the Wig Party's agenda. For instance, abortion. Sources close to Derek (barnacles) say that Derek is neither pro-choice or pro-life. He is pro-abortion. Obviously, the overpopulation of America has caused other problems, such as a declining economy, a shortage of jobs, widespread home foreclosures, and even environmental issues like glaciers and rainforests. By limiting the number of births to .1 per family, the Wig Party will single-handedly cure all these problems simultaneously with a modicum of tact and a blindingly small budget. So how do 10 families get together to choose which gets to keep their child and not undergo a mandatory abortion? It will be sorted out in the new TV Reality Show "Wire Hanger" All profits from this groundbreaking television show will go to build new abortion clinics.
But abortion isn't the only hot topic. The Wig Party has very strong beliefs about illegal immigrants. Derek, still an illegal immigrant himself to this day, feels that amnesty should be provided for all immigrants. America, being a "melting pot" should pride itself on its eclectic array of backgrounds and languages. Therefore, under legislation to be proposed by the Wig Party, not only should illegal immigrants be allowed in the states WITHOUT a fine, they should be given handsome packages that will allow them to set up shop in town, extra cash to take Spanish lessons, and they should all receive free clothes at Macy's. So impassioned is Derek about this that his cabinet will only consist of illegal immigrants and/or people named Bucky.
How about the environment? For years, our volatile environment has been on the brink of disaster, with polar ice caps melting, creating floods, and CO2 emissions causing the "Greenhouse Effect", which has subsequently caused "El Nino". Basically, Earth is pissed and is ready to attack. Screw national security against terrorists, the Wig Party plans on allocating all the current monies spent on National Security for protecting us from the Environment. We need to stock up on hair dryers and Spam for when the next ice age comes. We'll beat Earth, but only if we do it together! The Wig Party is prepared to fight that noble fight by amassing an army of anyone who has played The President, or in fact any protagonist, in a natural disaster movie. Bill Pullman, Morgan Freeman, Helen Hunt, Jake Gyllenhaal, whoever was in The Core... we're looking at you!
Gay rights? Mandatory. In fact, we should outlaw opposite-sex marriages. But that's only half the battle. As everyone knows, if two men are thinking of getting married, the next step is for someone to marry their dog. That should be legal too! Why should canine love be outlawed? In fact, in the Bible it says marriage is defined as a "man and a woman". It says NOTHING about species. The Wig Party is a big fan of the Bible. They will encourage inter-species marriages and, in 'appropriate circumstances', inter-phylum unions.
Other activist groups think that the national debt is an issue. The Wig Party doesn't.
So keep your eyes out for the Wig Party. They'll be hard to miss, since Pablo looks very funny in his powdered wig and Bucky couldn't find a powdered wig and is wearing a fake afro. They may not look serious, but their message is series: "Vote Derek in '08 because he has platforms."
