Full Name: The Phillie Phanatic, Esq.
Nickname(s): Tom Burgoyne
Screen Name: 10InchesOfSchnozz
Claim to Fame: mascot for the Philadelphia Phillies; my poor spelling
Current Residence: the Phanatchelor Pad below Citizens Bank Park
Pets? Eric Gregg, the late umpire - trust me, it was less creepy before he died
What are you reading now? Søren Kierkegaard’s Concluding Unscientific Postscript to Philosophical Fragments
Favorite fast food place/restaurant? any place that sells cheesesteak or live squirrels
What’s your favorite game? Calvinball
Favorite song? according to the Phillies official site, it’s “Mowtown Phillie”, but I just answered that because it was a family-friendly site – it’s actually “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails
Favorite sexual position? the double play
Favorite drink (non-alcoholic)? water – do you know how hot it is being covered in green fur?
Favorite drink (alcoholic)? sulfur with a whiskey chaser
Favorite smell? children
If you were a crayon, what color would you be? androgyny
What’s under your bed? many many many fingers
What’s the first thing you think of in the morning? my lingering bitterness at Dennis Lehman’s decision to have my Phanads removed
Where is the best place you have ever been? the Mascot Hall of Fame
Worst place?
Pet peeves? the baseball game that continually gets in the way of my adorable shenanigans, Pittsburgh
What would you say is your best characteristic? I have purple eyelashes and blue eyebrows
Worst characteristic? I have killed four people and paralyzed nine others for no reason other than it brought me joy
If you could meet someone, dead or alive, who would it be? my twin sons, but noooooo, the San Diego Chicken is being a bitch and the stupid court won’t let me within 100’ of them
Do you believe in UFOs? how the hell do you think I got here?
What did you do on your last birthday? I’ll give you a hint: it involved me being Phanaked
If you could have any job, what would it be? US Ambassador to the United Nations
What is the most important thing in life? not having a consistent punchline
What is your greatest fear? that Mr. Met will find out I’ve been schtupping Mrs. Met
Have you ever been in love? do conjugal visits count?
What is your motto? “If you can hit a kid in the face with a Hatfield hot dog from 200 yards, do it”
What would you like to be remembered for? being the least annoying living thing in Philadelphia