Every time I eat a PB&J, the jelly leaks out and ends up on my manboobs. Any thought I how I can keep my sandwich from spewing?
You have posed a very interesting question, Reynald, on a number of levels, the first of which being that it isn't technically a coherent sentence. I would advise proofreading your letter at least once. I won't be too critical, however, as we all make mitsakes, don't we? Your question is interesting secondly because your reference to man-boobs (I believe in the OED, the term is hyphenated) leads me to believe you might have a weight issue that needs addressing. Fortunately for you, I've already handled this topic way back in Fats' Advice Column #3. If you have already read it and are still 'beautifully bountiful', you can find more advice, albeit likely less helpful, by clicking here. The third and final reason your question was intriguing was because it is a question that has plagued the minds of philosophers, stoics, and sandwichsticians the world over. I, myself, had frequently succombed to the icy grip of this problem, resulting in no less than four of my shirts requiring dry-cleaning.
One of the surest ways to eliminate this dreaded lunchtime snafu is simply in preparation. As you are making your sandwich, be sure that your jelly is not still in the jar when you apply it to your sandwich. Take it from me, your jelly stands no chance of staying between two squeezed slices of Caucasian Loaf®, my preferred brand of bread, if it hasn't first been removed from the jar. I can't tell you how many times this was the main culprit of my sandwich blunders, which would often end up in sheer embarassment or, periodically, sheer amazement as I was able to actually bite through the glass to get to the jelly. Remember the golden rule: "before you spread it far, don't you forget the jar."
Assuming you had the foresight or technical sandwich mastery to extricate the jelly before spreading, your problem is a little more dire. Most assume that jelly tends to 'spew', as you so delicately put it, from the sandwich because of its inherently smooth and slippery texture. Nothing could be further from the truth. Case in point: strawberry jam and pineapple preserves, both much more tacky in consistency than grape jelly, will just as easily fall from your sandwich and onto your manarries (the Anatomical Dictionary's term for man-boobs). What causes your jelly to escape from the clutches of your bread is a deep-seeded and often crippling fear of the digestive tract. And in all honesty, could you blame your jelly? It's a scary place down there. The way to cure this problem, naturally, is through rigid counseling. That's right, you immediately need to sign your sandwich up for intensive hypno-welchtherapy. In time, your sandwich will likely begin to overcome its fears, and see the many benefits of being turned into nourishment, energy, metabolistic enzymes, or poop. As a pro-active measure, you may want to take several sandwiches at a time to these sessions, in case you get very hungry.
Now I know what you're thinking. "Fats," you say in your apologetic baritone voice, "therapy is very time-consuming, not to mention insanely expensive, and I think your whole idea is really stupid." I couldn't agree with you more, Reynald. Therapy is stupid. But there is one quick and surefire way to prevent your jelly's sandwich jailbreak. After you've applied your peanut butter to your liking to one slice of Caucasian Loaf®, apply a thin layer of epoxy to the other slice. (Thin meaning at least twice the thickness of the layer of jelly you plan on using.) As the epoxy begins to set, carefully 'pour' out some of the jelly. Be careful not to use a knife or spoon to spread the jelly, as it will likely stick to the epoxy, and you certainly don't want to eat any cutlerly, even plastic cutlery. Allow a few minutes for the epoxy to truly keep the jelly in place, and combine your sandwich halves. Enjoy.
For tips on what to drink with this sandwich, please refer to Fats' Advice Column #4, where we discuss what beverages go great with sandwiches. If you've already read this and are looking for other possible tips, you could always try here, but I don't know if it's as helpful as the nuggets of sagacity found in my columns.
Keep the questions coming! I am well-versed on every topic. Ever.