Question: Okay Fats, I'm a huge fan, but I haven't written in until now.

So there's this girl I went out on a date with once and now I need to plan a second date.  Where should I go?

Sincerely yours,

Jiffy


Wow.  This question marks a first for good ole Fats, a genuine question from actual peanut butter.  While I have gotten a few odd questions from peanut farmers, and even one desperate plea from Mrs. Butterworth, I've never received anything from peanut butter.  Especially not that bastard Peter Pan, who refuses to return my phone calls.  Yeah, I'm talkin' to you, Tightsy.  Don't think I forgot our bet, and I'm coming to collect.  Mark my words.

Anyway, enough threats.  On to the help.  And it's been a while since I've been asked about dating advice, all the way back to Bad Advice Column 20 last February.  I haven't heard from Monroe Stenson since then, so I'm going to assume that my advice back there was perfect and he was able to sever ties completely.  That or he's in jail.  You can't really be too sure.

There are a few important mandatories to remember when choosing a second date.  The first is to pick something completely different than your first date - repetition early on is the kiss of death, and believe me, that's not nearly as sexy as it sounds.  I'm going to make the assumption your first date was something generic, like a romantic candle-lit dinner on the banks of the Rhine River, listening to the dulcet tones of The Harmo Knees, the men's acapella choir you hired to serenade you and your lovely as you sipped delectable wines from each other's boots.  Well, you don't want to repeat that.  I suggest taking her to Camden, NJ at around 11pm.   The great thing about this date is it eliminates the hassle of having to actually plan events and activities, as more often than not, exciting adventures seem to pop up quite readily in Camden.  You may want to bring 'loose' clothing, as this date has the potential to become very aerobic.

A second thing to consider is your image and what you are portraying for the future.  Let's face it, you probably went all out on your first date, dressing nicely, offering to pay for the meal, and being an otherworldly gentleman.  Wrong wrong wrong!  You are setting unreasonable expectations for your potential girl.  The fact that you are lucky enough to score a second date means that there is a potential for a future.  The LAST thing you want is for her to assume you will continue to carry on lofty expectations such as offering to pay for dinner, calling her back, or acknowledging her existence.  No man could be expected to do that.  Very important: bring her back down to Earth on the second date.  A good way to do his is to suggest something 'different' for your second date.  Sitting home watching Family Matters (quoting every Urkel line while in costume) is one such good example.  Arson is another.  Almost certainly guaranteed to be a first for her in her dating career, any of these delightful activities will show that you have 'cojones', something women find to be irresistible.  Just as Cojoneless Joe Uberbaker, who has been single since losing his cojones in a fateful VHS rewinding accident three years ago. 

Note: there is a chance that your date may genuinely love this idea, and you may still go up in her esteem.  To prevent this, under no circumstances should you consider actually showing up for the second date.  The lower the expectations, the less you have to worry about actually meeting, or even approaching, them.  Trust me, you'll thank me when it comes time to your tenth date and all you've had to plan is which type of sandwich you're making her make for you and when to wipe your feet on her face.

Finally, it is a scientifically proven fact that girls like competition.  Knowing that another girl might be interested in her man drives a woman wild with lust and an assertion of irrefutable dominance.  This comes from Cro-Magnon women, who were the size and strength of cement mixers, only not quite as attractive.  But it's not as simple as taking along other women on the date.  Do NOT do this.  It's tacky.  It's crass.  And no matter how much you think it might happen, they will not be sexually attracted to each other and want to go back to your place and have sex on every surface in your apartment including pets.  What you need to do is still give the impression of a one-on-one date, yet plan your activity around other women who might find you interesting.  For instance, take her out to someone else's date.  If you have a friend going out to a restaurant, sit at their table.  Make passes at the girl.  Better yet, plan your date to coincide with a bachelorette party, even if it means having to sit through The Flex and Pecs Get Laid Parade over at Schlong's Exotic Reverie.  The audience will be rife with eager women who, after just six drinks, might be altered enough to confuse you for the talent. 

What is crucial is to make sure you do NOT instigate anything with these women.  You don't want to lose your date entirely, just make her jealous and competitive.  Therefore, when you get approached, say offhanded comments to your date like, "She's MUCH prettier than you, don't you think?"  You want her to have the NEED to prove you wrong.  If the inebriated girl starts to lick or nibble any part of you, go along with it, but feign reluctance by saying things like, "I probably shouldn't be doing this, what with my date watching-- actually still holding my hand, right honey?-- but she's really quite good at this."  You'll have your date at the palm of your other hand in no time flat.

With each passing day, I can sleep a little easier knowing that I'm making someone's life better by just tellin' it like it is.  And I can wake up knowing that I shouldn't have had those bran muffins before bed.  Got a problem?  You gotta strike while the Fats is hott.