Well, adoring fans and even more adorable enemies, you are in for quite the treat in December. Why is that? You will get an extra helping (or four) of FATS' BAD ADVICE COLUMN! That's right, due to a surprising outburst of mailbag activtivity, Fats will be here EVERY WEEK in December dispensing his zipcode-famous advice about like someone putting jello in the middle of a centrifuge. Let's hope some of that advice sticks to the faces of the scientists who are eagerly waiting to see something cool. And now, on with the bizarre bazaar.
Dear Fats, it's your bestest peanut buttery pal writing to you again for your sage advice. Dating sites suck. What's a good place to pick up hot womens?
Nuts and butter to you,
Well, first off, nuts to you too, Jiffy. Seriously, you come to me for advice, then sign off your letter 'nuts to you'? I've never been so offended in all my... liiwwiii... wait, wait a second. My assistant Tendrils has just pointed out that 'nuts to you' might be slang. Let me look it up in my handy-dandy Urbin' Dictionary.
"Nuts to You:
Origin - British (Liverpool area specifically)
Meanings: 1) Hats off to you!
2) Tip a pint o'er for you!
3) Blimey the lock and grinder, double touch."
I take that back, Jiffy. I didn't realize you were United Kindgomish. And welcome back to the program. When I last helped you out, you were looking for advice on a locale for a second date. I can only assume, since you are coming back and asking for a place to meet new women, that you followed my advice and it worked perfectly. Nothing will attract a woman more than the perception that you don't know she exists. Which is precisely my first piece of advice for finding new women: don't look. And I don't mean "Go to bars, lounges, libraries, or day care centers simply to enjoy your time there and not look like you're trying to find a potential mate." I mean sequester yourself in some tiny remote building: a coffin, for instance ; somewhere where girls will not in any way look for you. Those women that love 'playing hard to get' will be trying to pry that lid off in no time.
But, I'll assume you're claustrophic (you are, after all, from Liverpool.) Where else can you look for women? If you're not incredibly picky about physcial appearance (perhaps your insistance on 'hot' women referred to women with fever), and if you aren't a particular stickler about hygiene, and if you don't mind someone who could castrate you with a simple twist of their hip flexors, I will recommend Sarmatian women. As direct descendants of the famed Amazonian tribes of warrior women, these ladies have plenty going for them: they were fighters and often went to war with their male counterparts. In addition, there were many of them, as they banded together in times of peace. It's playing the numbers game - go where other men simply won't. Finally, they make wonderful bodyguards. The only two drawbacks I can see are 1) according to their customs, they are not allowed to wed until they kill a man (DEFINITELY do research on your woman before dating), and 2) they haven't technically existed since the 4th century AD.
In today's society, however, there is no shortage of opportunities to meet attractive ladies. Since the internet is not your scene, you can always try the extranet. Where the internet is a "series of tubes" (former senator Ted Stevens, AK), the Extranet is a "series of nets." By 'try the extranet', what I'm implying is that you should use nets to capture women.
No, I'm kidding (somewhat.) Here's my real advice: most men don't realize this, but female bartenders are rarely ever approached romantically while on the job. I know, it's odd - it's amazing that, while imbibing mood-altering substances, no man has thought to make some offhanded proposal to their buxom bartender. If you are going to be groundbreaking, though, it is imperative you use the proper lines that might separate you from any joe who might try this revolutionary tactic. Below are a few foolproof lines that were taken verbatim from my dating handbook, Love in the Time of Chlamydia: How to Score Without the Scare.
The Honest Approach: "Miss? I was told to tell you you had beautiful eyes.... oh, this book told me. Love in the Time of Chlamydia by Fats. Yes, I had to buy a book about picking up hot womens. It was only $21.99. You should buy it too. Go to www.esoderek.com for details."
The Subtle Approach: "Excuse me, bartender? Can I have another Corona? Thank you." (note: avoid eye contact at all costs)
The Direct Approach: "You know, they say the female of the species is more deadly than the male. They obviously haven't met my penis. CHING-A-CHING-CHING!" (If you have the chance, insert the penis in her before the Ching-a-Ching-Ching part. It will help the directness.)
The Brainiac Approach: When she asks what you want to drink, go into a lengthy diatribe about gamma amino butryic acid neurotransmitters (shorten it to GABA NTs if you want to sound especially studious) and their debilitating effects. Then order something high-brow like a Tom Collins. Wink as often as possible.
The Funnyman Approach: Women like a guy with a sense of humor. Start off with a zinger like, "I like women like I like my crew of the Apollo 13: overtired and reeking of desperation." If she doesn't laugh, she may be playing coy (she is, after all, 'on the clock,') so try a second one. "A woman walks into a bar. But she was 5 hours late and the bar was closed. Why can't women get prepared in a timely fashion? You know what I'm saying?"
Whelp, I can't give away all my goods for free, you'll have to pick up the book for further nuggets of sagacity. Speaking of which, also look for my new breakfast cereal, Nuggets of Sugacity, on supermarket shelves everywhere. Now with less cyanide! And that's going to be all. Tune in next week for a NEW Fats' Bad Advice column! And remember, the more you ask, the more likely it will be that I'll update more than once ever three months! You can do that by filling out a question HERE! I'm out like the antonym of in.