I got invited to a party next week.  It's BYOB, but I don't drink.  I'd like to contribute to the common good and help others get smashed though.  What kind of booze do you suggest I contribute, and how much?

-Fatty McButterpants


I'm disgusted by this.  I am thoroughly and absolutely nauseated by this.  Why is it that everyone who reads Fats' Advice Column is fat?  Seriously, look back through the archives, and it seems that I attract the tubbies.  Have none of you learned from the error of your ways?  I give sound advice, like in my third column, where I solved the very problem of obesity, and yet you are all still grossly overweight.  I wonder sometimes why I even do this, put myself out there to help others, when nobody listens to my advice.  Sometimes it's so hard being Fats. 

But I will bite my lip and help, because it's in my jeans.  My will to help is in my jeans.  You do the math.

So, Fatty, you don't drink, eh?  Good for you.  Drinking only leads to less awkward social situations, less judgemental decision-making, acceptance, and threesomes.  You should at all costs avoid the vice of liquor.  Unless you mean that you don't drink at all, as in you don't imbibe.  That, I would have to stress, is a terrible idea. 

If you want to make an impression at your first party, a good drink is essential.  But there are so many liquors - beer, wine, whiskeys, gins, vodkas, rums, bourbons, wine spritzers.  How can you make an educated decision?  The simplest answer is you don't.  You can buy one of each of these and make a "mystery drink".  You know, these types of drinks were popular in colleges around the country for a reason: they tasted delicious!  Here is a good recipe.

1 part beer
1 part wine
1 part whiskey
1 part gin
1 part vodka
1 part rum
1 part bourbon
1 part Everclear
1 part Moonshine
1 part Absynthe
1 part Robitussin (for coloring)

"Part" is a bartender's term for "gallon and a half".  So mix all of these in something with a spout, such as a water cooler or a person pretending to be a little teapot.  Bring it along, and I guarantee you'll have people talking about your drink.

But that's costly, I admit.  There are many different types of liquors out there, from malt liquors to grain alcohol to Zima (which scientists are still trying to determine if it is actually alcohol or what they refer to as 'the first step in admitting you're brain-damaged')  Esoderek.com, the site that's graciously allowed me to help people out for over a year now, has a good wine review column, actually.  It tells you if there's pieces of cork floating in your wine, then it's probably not the right wine for you.  But shy of that, it's hard to tell what's the smart buy.  That's why you should invent your own liquor.  That's right, you can do it for the cost of an ordinary chemistry set. 

The ingredients of liquor are natural: barley and hops.  So get some barley and some hops.  If you are not in an area where you can obtain these ingredients, use raisin bread and Cap'n Crunch, they are suitable replacements.  Then, you need something to add a unique flavor to your drink.  Wine uses grapes, so obviously fruits are a good choice.  So stick some avacados in there, maybe a kumquat.  If your supermarket doesn't have these ingredients, use a Fruit Roll Up (any flavor).  Finally, you are going to want something that will make it tingle a little in the throat; truly good party drinks should have a little 'fire' going down, as the old adage goes.  So put in a few matches, the type that will ignite when struck against anything, like a trachea.  Perfect.  Now mix them in a blender on the 'liquify' setting.  Pour them into beakers, graduated cylinders, and test tubes (hey, you bought that chemistry set for some reason, didn't you?)  Chill, but not to the point of absolute zero.  You need the molecules of that drink to be flyin'. 

Serve to your party-goers.  If it's a Halloween party, add dry ice to your drinks for a cool "fog" effect.  If it's a Thanksgiving party, add pieces of turkey.  If it's a Christmas party, add pine. 

Well, I hope your drink, whatever you choose (though it better be one of my suggestions) goes over well at your party.  Send me an update as to how it goes, and by 'update', I in no way mean 'emergency room report'.  People for some reason tend to confuse those two, and I have no idea why I continue to receive so many of them.  Oh well.

Write me questions, people!  I'm out like my electrici