I just brought my car to get fixed since it just won't start everytime on the first attempt and it's getting really old.  I brought it in last time for this same problem and the dude said he just needed to reprogram the computer somewhere in the car and magically for $100 it would be fixed.  Then he's all, 'if that doesn't work, there's a $300 fix that'll fix it for good.'  I wasn't told of this fix first because if I had been, I would have just done that.  Turns out this 'fix' (which is a pre-set fix kit offered by Nissan for this exact problem...hmmm) including tax and labor costs $470.  How can I resolve this problem WITHOUT going postal on the dealership or spending over $500 including the oil change, tire rotation, and hooker removal?

-The Wuzzles


If there's one thing that really gets my goat, it's shepherds.  But if it's a second thing that might obtain my goat, it's long-winded explanations.  Seriously, Wuzzles, I hate to have to do it, but I must once again edit the question, because a busy guy like me just simply does not have time to read all this exposition.  For one, I don't need to hear about adjectives or, in fact, any qualifying words or articles.  They just bog down the meaning.  Second, who really needs pronouns?  I know who you are.  Third, verbs tend to muck everything up.  With just these few trimmings, you can have a succinct question that is much easier on the eyes.  In fact, it would look like this:
"Just car to fixed since just won't everytime on attempt and really.  In time for problem and dude just to computer somewhere in car and for $100 fixed.  Then all, 'if doesn't work, $300 fix for good.'  Wasn't of fix first because if I just.  Out 'fix' (which pre-set fix kit by Nissan for problem) tax labor $470.  How problem WITHOUT on dealership or $500 oil, tire, hooker?"  See, much easier on the eyes.

Well, getting to the root of your problem, Mrs. Wuzzles (I can assume you are female because males are born with an inherent auto mechanical genome that renders even the most troubling car issues -- i.e. your cigarette lighter not working -- downright trifling), it comes down to a matter of if you are willing to pay for services provided.  It seems like you are on some type of strict budget, as your tone indicates $500 to be too much for these services.  Personally, I would pay upwards of $2000 for an oil change, just to make sure it is done properly.  Mechanics are like visual artists - visual artists of the carbeurator.  The more funding they receive to complete their art, the grander and more inexplicable their art becomes.  So if you'd like your car fixed properly, just give them $10,000, or better get the entire book value of the car (new, not in current condition).  That will likely ensure that they do a bang-up job on your Nissan.

But like I mentioned, it seems like you have some problem with proper recompense for their hard work.  I understand, it's a tight economy we live in.  Unless you compare it to nearly any other era in history (the Great Depression, the Middle Ages, Prehistory... etc), where we come out looking like gluttonous bastards.  But I digress.  So what can you, the money-savvy Wuzzles, do?  It looks like you answered the question yourself - Nissan offers a home-preparation kit to you, the consumer.  Why not purchase this home-kit yourself?  I know what you're thinking, "But Fats," you say, while filing your 4" galvanized roofing nails, "I don't know how to install a pre-set fix kit by Nissan into my car, which could be a Toyota... I'm not sure."  This is not a problem, because of the marvels of modern law.  Simply try to install the device yourself, but make sure you don't get it in any way right.  Jam it into the engine block, or maybe stuff it into the exhaust pipe.  Whatever you do, install it improperly.  And then when your car malfunctions or, more likely, explodes, you can hire a great personal injury or products liability attorney (I recommend my attorney, Scabs Longshot, Esq.) and sue for millions.  With your winnings (which you should receive within weeks, I would imagine), you can simply pay the $500 to your dealership to properly install your 'fix', with a net profit of $99,999,500.  That's a solid day's work.

But if you are some peace-loving, feminist, Commie-hippie who, for some reason, doesn't like earning millions of dollars, fine.  I have a solution for all walks of life.  You need to get with the times, Wuzzette.  It's the 90's after all.  Cars are so 'yesterday'.  As the say, plaid is the new black, and so the Segway is the new car.  And I still know what you're thinking (you're very transparent), "Fats, Segways only go several miles per hour and are not at all an adequate substitute for my foreign automobile."  Wow, Wuzzles, you sure think in an outdated style.  That's true, Segways are not known for their speed or, for that matter, 'coolness'.  That's why you need to Pimp that Segway.  Just follow this esoderek.com formula to pimp ANYTHING. 

The www.esoderek.com Formula to Pimp Anything
- Take your object
- Strap a rocket to it.  Not a bottle rocket.  Thing more something that NASA might use to launch a camera to, say, Neptune.
- Paint flames on the side of it (or, in lieu of paint, set the side of it on fire)
- Install an MP3 player that will only play "Nookie" by Limp Bizkit.  You call also use Young MC's "Funky Cold Medina"
- Get a celebrity to endorse your product.  Bad celebrities include Tom Cruise, Sigorney Weaver, and the guy who played Arvid on Head of the Class.  Good celebrities include Scott Baio and the late Burgess Meredith. 
- Get a website promoting your product.  It helps to have words like "ZOWIE" and "UBER" in your website.  For instance, www.ubersegway.com" is a good start.  www.uberpimp/segway/hotdamn/zowie/nude_pics/yikes.net is even better.

You're well on your way to solving your automotive situation.  Well, Fats is out like black (which is the old plaid, I hear).  Write me more questions, and I will, as I always do, write words in response.