Sometimes it's the questions that are unasked that are the ones that demand the most stringent attention. In this case, it's completely out of necessity - Fats' mail bag is emptier than Kate Moss' stomach. I will give everyone a chance to fix that. WRITE IN QUESTIONS! I suppose I can assume, since I haven't received questions in more than half a year, that everyone's life is exactly how they'd always dreamed and nobody is encountering the slightest obstacles. Excellent. Next week, see my article about, "When to Sign Up for Therapy"
Anyway, today's problem is the one of snow removal. If you, like me, live in a desert area, you are probably thinking to yourself, "Me? How did I get so sassy?" Because that's what I am thinking. But Mother Nature flipped us the proverbial finger over the weekend, dumping over a foot of the white powdery stuff on our doorstep (No, Keith Richards, the other white powdery stuff). If you, like me, don't own any snow-removal equipment bigger than a car ice-scraper, you might be scratching your head. And if you ARE like me, that will take you a great deal of time.
But don't get your Underoos all in a tangle, there are some very simple ways to remove large quantities of snow without the use of a shovel or, better yet, manual labor. Ahhh, suddenly I have your attention. And while I do, may I take a minute to shill my newest product? For $59.99, you can buy the Fats Genuine Ice-Scraper? It's a yellow ice-scraper, lightly used, but it has telekinetic powers. (No money back for any reason, including false advertising)
All right, the easiest way to remove snow is obviously to heat it. As most people learn in elementary school, snow melts at temperatures above 32 degrees F (or 130 degrees Centrifuge). I will give you not only one method to warm snow, but two. The easiest of course is what's known as the greenhouse effect. Construct a greenhouse over your lawn. Preferably cover the whole neighborhood, because you can also make money for "shoveling your neighbor's driveway" in the process. Make the greenhouse out of magnifying glasses. Hundreds of them. Within hours, your lawn will be as dry as a baby's skull, and possibly on fire. But the important thing is that the snow will be gone. The second method is more thorough, if not more time-consuming. It's known as global warming. That's right, you don't feel like shoveling your front stoop? Buy several thousand aerosol cans and spray them directly skyward bound. Rent (or buy) some Hummers and just drive them around your neighborhood a few hundred times. Hell, the sky is the limit (or at least the goal). Have a CFC party! Everyone gets a free beer for each cubic foot of O3 they obliterate. Al Gore's all wrong: global warming isn't the problem, shoveling is. I don't even need a Powerpoint Presentation to get my point across.
What if you need the snow removed ASAP and don't have the time or resources to do what I've already suggested? And what if it's too cold for any of that snow to melt on its own? What to do? I think we can all learn something from the movies. No, not the Day After Tomorrow. No, not Alive. Stop suggesting th-- NO, not Total Recall. You're just naming movies now. The movie in question is Home Alone, a piece of educational cinema if ever there was one. If you are tired of your boot sinking in the snow and don't feel like having to trudge THROUGH anything, my suggestion is to take water and thoroughly cover all the snow. Let it sit overnight. By morning, you won't have to worry about trudging through anything, you can walk right over top of it! Some say Jesus walked on water because it was frozen. I think Jesus watched Home Alone for inspiration. Is there a single story in the Bible about Jesus' house getting broken into by bungling (yet hilarious) burglars? I think not.
I'm glad I could help. Now, if you don't mind, the pastries are calling. As always, I encourage you to write in new suggestions. It's a new year and your life is pretty messed up. Write in!