You’re in for a special treat today, ladies and other ladies.  Fats is opening up the ole mail bag and giving you a two-fer!  Maybe a three-fer.  Probably not a Darfur.  The reason is simple: none of the things in Fats’ mail bag actually qualify as “requests for advice”, so much as opinion questions, and in fact one rumor.  But far be it from Fats to deprive his adoring public of some little bits of his wisdom.  If you’d like more of his eternal knowledge that flows from the highest peaks of Mount Superfluous like a river hell-bent on the destruction of villages of ignorance, write him for advice.  Let’s start with:

 Boobs or asses?



Unless you are asking me which you should surgically add to your body – I would say an ass, because think of how much money you could make in the circus with a full-grown donkey protruding from your sternum – this would fall more in line with a question that was found primarily in email chain-surveys about 8 years ago.  In fact, Fats filled one of those out himself awhile back.  But as this question wasn’t on that survey, I’ll tackle it here.  It is no secret that I’m a boob-man.  In fact, my third autobiography was called Pictures of the Female Mammary Gland, which was admittedly a marketing ploy for a title.  It outsold my other two autobiographies – Read This to Get Smarterified, and How to Vomit Better – by more than ten times combined.  There’s something very natural and basic about breasts, in that they provide milk for the young, and something to lose your keys in for the old.  Seriously, I’m getting up there in years, and I’ve lost my keys just about everywhere and everyone you could imagine.  That would make for a good piece of advice in and of itself.  Sure, you can lose your keys in someone’s rectum, but that takes way too much logistical planning.  Moving right along…

Is liquidmetal a valid Speed Scrabble word?

- Jeff


All right, as promised, a two-fer for my good friend Jeff.  For those who aren’t “in the know”, Speed Scrabble is a variant of the popular board game that involves getting extremely wacked out on something before playing, and making sure to fill the tile-bag with pudding to freak out the people on ‘shrooms.  But the basic premise of needing real words applies.  Not many people know this, but I compiled my own dictionary of Scrabble words, titled How to Please a Woman Using Only a Tuning Fork in the Key of Eb.  Like most Scrabble dictionaries, it doesn’t contain definitions, but just a list of acceptable words.  Let’s get to that section:











LIQCZJ (see ‘high scoring words’ section)





LIQUIDSQUID (see ‘using two sets of tiles’ section)




So it looks like there is no liquidmetal.  However, should you find yourself with liquid on your table, don’t despair, as there could be boobs nearby.  Finally, as Fats is in a generous mood, let’s see what else the mail bag can offer us.

I heard Fats was going to be at the GHDGO

- Me


Odd, I have no memory of writing that.  But clearly I did at some point.  Why would I have no memory of this?  Clearly, someone’s been tampering with ole Fats’ cerebellum and forcing me to transmit encoded messages.   Aliens?  The government?  The Rochester Birdwatchers Society?  (Fats had an unpleasant run-in with them a few years back, and would not be surprised if they had revenge on their minds.)  Hmmm, looks like I have to figure out what cipher they implemented when they wrote GHDGO.  It looks pretty simple, though, only 5 letters.  Appears to be simple substitution-based cipher.  Let’s see, the first and fourth letter are the same.  Oh, I got it, “Asian”.  Wait, what’s that mean?  I’m going to be at the Asian?  Maybe since it’s such a short clue, there are other possible translations.  Well, okay, let’s think logically here - there are five letters in this code.  Maybe I need five different ciphers to crack it.  Okay, “Smash.”  This seems to be working pretty well.  Let’s see, okay, got another one.  This is taking me back to my days of 5th grade when a substitute-teacher would come in and not have any idea what to do with the students.  Oh, yeah, there’s another one.  Sweet.  Just need one more—got it.  All five.  Okay, let’s just rearrange them for coherence.  “I heard Fats was going to be at the Kinky Asian Pimps Crack-Smash.”  Oh, that’s it?  Sounds more like a reminder than anything else.  Don’t quite know why they went to such great lengths to encode that message, really.  That’s a waste of energy if you ask me.  Yeah, yeah, I’ll be there, me.  I hope to see you there. 

That about wraps this shortie up.  As always, Fats has nobody to dole to unless Dole fills out a request form.  So keep sending ‘em in – good advice is like boobs: awesome.