12. The Badminton event undergoes tremendous scrutiny when its lead star, Indonesian Guntur Tuti, tests positive for steroids after hitting a shuttlecock 600 feet.
11. Crafty American Men’s Gymnastics team rigs the old ‘exploding vault’ gag; German medal hopes smashed in the process.
10. Tonga’s own “Superfly” Snuka leaps to victory in Men’s Wrestling final.
9. Japanese Softball pitcher Yukiko Ueno pitches an astounding 413 pitches in two days to carry the team to gold. Turns out her locker is just filled with replacement arms.
8. The Romanian women’s table tennis team, trying to comply with demands to wear more revealing outfits, shows up naked, and wins the gold by universal competition forfeit. Coach Tony Danza has no comment, especially concerning how he became the coach of the Romanian Women’s Table Tennis team.
7. Togo actually wins a medal this year (bronze), but it is in the highly-contested “Togo General Knowledge” event.
6. USA Men’s Basketball wins gold, then melts medal down to use on a new set of teeth bling.
4. The proposed Counting Competition is scrapped when France gets to 6, scoffs indignantly, and walks away.
3. Nastia Liukin’s real name revealed to be Nasty Lookin’; Shawn Johnson confirmed to be just a girl with a boy’s name.
2. Russia beats Georgia in medals 57-6, “just to rub it in.”
1. Playwright Henrik Ibsen bores competitors to sleep en route to stunning upset win in Men’s Pole Vault.