12. Structure structure structure. Pants MUST be put on before noon. They don’t have to be clean though. 

11. We all remember the old mnemonic device: King Philip Came Over For Good Soup as a way of learning the order of taxonomy, right? Kids nowadays can’t learn that way because they don’t know who King Philip is. You gotta update the phrase. I recommend ‘Katy Perry’s Cancelled Over Failed Gyrating Shark’. 

10. Tape your laptop of your kid’s latest Zoom meeting to the refrigerator to show off her work. 

9. You know the notion “Stay ahead of your child by reading a chapter the day before they have to?” Make them more efficient by pre-populating their web browser with links to porn, unboxing videos, and Taylor Swift’s Tik Tok. 

8. Slapping your kids’ hands with a ruler is cruel and ineffective. Besides, we use tape measures now. 

7. Hire a handsome Italian former boxer/baseball player to keep those kids in line. Helps if he drives around in a creepy blue van with no windows. If you have a daughter who’s name ends in an “A”? Fuggedaboudit! 

6. Get your kids stuck in a time loop like in Groundhog Day. By the end of that movie, the dude had mastered rock and roll piano and learned French. Surely your kids can figure out fractions in that time. 

5. Be sure to wear a mask over your mouth and nose. Wearing it over your eyes makes reading more difficult. 

4. Take it old school and introduce your kids to the classic Oregon Trail video game. Insert some realism by making them eat rotten food and hunt in the backyard for wild buffalo. Place bets on if they’ll survive in the game or real life longer. 

3. Homeschooling gets a bad rap. Have your kids write and perform a better rap about it. 

2. Skip Science. Republicans do. 

1. Having trouble with spelling? Remember the rule of thumb: “I before E, except after C, or when sounding like A, as in neighbor or weigh, or also like ableist, absenteeism, ageing, agreeingly, agroscience, albeit, algefacient, all-seeing, alpheid, Alzheimer's, ancient, anthropopeia, anticounterfeit, apartheid, apogeic, araneid, asteroseismology, atheism, aweigh, and holy shit those are just some of the more common A words alone this rule is terrible.” 



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