12. In addition to a ‘heater/coolant’ inspector and a ‘pest’ inspector, make sure you get at least one good consult from a ‘Tony Danza’ inspector. You can never be too careful.
11. When evaluating heat sources, oil and gas should be considered. Lava should not.
10. If the house has sewer lines close by, make sure to check the phone book. If anyone living on your street shares the surname of a painter of the Italian Renaissance, you’ll probably be invited to a lot of pizza parties and meet a giant rat in a kimono when you’re there.
9. Always examine your fireplace/chimney for a hole at the top.
8. Ask the seller to “pimp” the house by putting the paid installation of hydraulics in the offer.
7. When speaking to your realtor, after every time he or she says the words “needs improvement,” laugh maniacally. In fact, just laugh maniacally the entire time.
6. Make sure the carpet matches the drapes. Wait, that’s the wrong list.
5. ‘Natural’ light is incredibly valuable. Live on Venus.
4. If a listing is noted ‘needing some TLC’, you must bring T-Boz or Chilli to the showing or else you will not be allowed in. I suppose you could bring Left-Eye, but know up front that that is very illegal.
3. 2 out of three homebuilders that are little pigs do crappy jobs.
2. Beware when realtors claim that there are “mature trees” on the property. That means they’ll wander off aimlessly and, if they do stick around, you’re going to be cleaning geriatric tree shit off your car until the tree finally gets choked by some well-placed herbicide.
1. Putting an asterisk next to your name when you sign the down payment check isn’t a legitimate loophole to get out of the deal.