12. When the principal/dean gives you your diploma, slip him a $20 while shaking hands.  If you can follow it up with a wink and a firm slap of the tush, all the better.

11. Instead of moving your tassel from one side of your cap to the other upon graduation, commit arson.

10. Lay your gown flat on the ground and freeze it.  Wear it over your head so that there’s basically a 4 foot radius of gown around you.  When the announcement is made that you’d graduated, spin around and around knocking into as many people as possible.  Works especially well if you’ve pinned razor blades to the base of the gown.

9. Don’t walk down to the old Pomp and Circumstance.  Your processional should be Disturbed’s The Sickness.  Bonus points if you can get your keynote speaker to go “ooowahahaha!”

8. Have classmates play Topple on your mortarboard as you get your diploma.

7. The old “fake-sniper shot me while I was on the stage” gag always is a crowd pleaser.

6. Graduate in Staten Island, where every girl in your class will likely be named Samantha, Mona, or Angela.  Hire Tony Danza to announce the graduates as they receive their diplomas.  Give him at least 3 adult beverages before the ceremony to assure he’s in good form.

5. Assign titles to every graduate, not just the valedictorian and salutatorian.  As you get near the end, make sure to include ‘custodian,’ ‘Cardassian’, and the poor schlub at the end should probably just be Ian.

4. Wear your gown on your head where the cap goes and your cap in front of your jollies.  Let the tassle fall wherever it likes.

3. Giggle loudly into a megaphone anytime someone is announced as “cum laude.”

2. Instead of a tassle, equip your cap with helicopter blades.  Simply fly away after getting your diploma.

1. Hire Sam Kinison in his prime to be the commencement speaker.  Actually, if you really want a truly memorable graduation, hire Sam Kinison in his current state to be your commencement speaker.

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