12. Have the bride’s father give her away… to charity.
11. Save money on tuxedo rentals – wear a penguin.
10. One hit of helium before each vow. Or, one hit of nitrous oxide before each one.
9. Did someone say DJ Bob Dole? Because DJ Bob Dole sure likes to party.
8. Move to Montana, the only state that allows double-proxy marriages. Hire Michael Clark Duncan and the girl from Small Wonder to perform your vows. Make sure it is filmed. Invite all your close friends over to watch your wedding video. I definitely see a drinking game in the works.
7. Instead of blowing bubbles or throwing rice at the bride and groom after the ceremony, throw babies.
6. Encourage your wife to practice her bouquet skills with games of reverse beer pong.
5. In lieu of a band, have Tony Danza act out the roles he made famous, such as Tony Micelli (Who’s the Boss?), Tony Banta (Taxi), Tony Canetti (Hudson Street), Tony DiMeo (The Tony Danza Show), and even his first role, Tony from the made-for-TV movie Fast Lane Blues.
4. Instead of giving knickknacks or centerpieces as gifts, give your guests polio.
3. Puppets. Lots of puppets.
2. Toast the bride and groom in an actual toaster.
1. Before throwing the bouquet, first dip it in liquid nitrogen. When the unsuspecting young girl catches it, it will shatter, just like her dreams of ever finding true happiness herself.