12. Dedicate a song to her on the radio.  Avoid “Just Can’t Get Enough”, “Smack My Bitch Up”, and Taps.

11. Suggest getting back to when you both bonded strongly.  She’ll love breastfeeding now as much as she did back then.

10. Pie charts.

9. Hire Mola Ram from the Temple of Doom in Indiana Jones.  Giving Mom a human heart trumps candy ones any day of the week.

8. Bring her late husband back from the grave for a heartfelt reunion.  If she is either divorced or never married, bring David Hasselhoff in to be her new husband.  If Hasselhoff is in Germany, there’s always Tony Danza.  Seriously, what’s he doing now?

7. Express that you’ll finally make up for all of your childhood inadequacies by renouncing your relationship and adopting Ralph Macchio into the family.  She’ll totally dig the upgrade.

6. Put yourself in her shoes for just one day.  Those pumps will make your calves look AWESOME.

5. Nothing says I love you like a membership in the Bruce Willis commemorative fancy dish of the month club.

4. Climb back into her uterus, as that was when the bond between you and she was the strongest.

3. Get her name put up on the scoreboard of a Cleveland Cavaliers game.  She’ll never see it - hell nobody will - but it’s the thought that counts.

2. Reenact some of her favorite scenes from her soaps.  Bo and Melody’s fourth wedding was particularly touching, what with her overcoming that amnesia and all.  But the real Bo.  Not the imposter Bo.  Don’t insult your mom.

1. Send her pictures of your junk… she’ll love to see that you’ve finally cleaned your room.


prev    next