12. Forget medical masks; they don’t protect anything.  Wear a Lucha-style wrestling mask everywhere you go.


11. Drop a line to the Fats’ Bad Advice column.  That dude has the answer to everything!


10. Lock yourself in a room and cover the walls with various TV Guides that had Tony Danza on the cover.  Unless the swine are actually middle aged Italian-American women from Queens… oh wait, are the swine actually middle aged Italian-American women from Queens?


9. Do nothing but stay indoors, playing World of Warcraft.  Swine flu can’t do nothing against a level 60 druid.


8. Take a bunch of Tylenol PM and some Robitussin CF… mash those initials together and whaddya get?  “Pigs Can’t Fight Me!”  Why is that relevant?  It’s not really, but the drugs involved will probably put you to sleep until this whole epidemic is over.


7. Genetically infuse yourself with the DNA of pigs and birds.  That way, you aren’t getting the swine flu, you’re just getting lunch.


6. Let’s assume the swine flu’s probability of killing you is X.  The area that it has to cover is the surface area of the land spaces on Earth – we’ll call it L.  Scientists are currently calculating the speed it travels, so we’ll call that S.  Your proximity to pigs is P and your geographical population density, which plays a part in overall communicability, is G.  So plug in your G (person per square mile) and P (how many pigs live in your hometown) in the following formula: (P x [πG]) / (S2 x L) = X.  The result?  You were right all along: algebra has no practical application in the real world.


5. Just avoid pork.  It works for the Jews and Hindus… and as we all know, if you’re a follower of one of those religions, you’re more or less indestructible.  Especially in cities that end in “ollywood.”


4. Strap live pigs to your head and torso.  It will build up your immune system’s natural defenses to the virus.  Or kill you.  But probably build up your immune system’s natural defenses to the virus.


3. Sit in those new $500 per ticket seats at Yankee Stadium.  It’s a ghost-town in those sections.


2. Buy a helicopter… wear it as a necklace.


1. Rename the swine flu Osama Bin Laden, and just like that, it disappears without a trace.  Start bombing monkeypox instead.

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