12. Take a field trip around the office. Start at your desk. Be sure to leave post it note directions everywhere you go so you know how to get back.
11. Rig a particularly dry-tongued wren up to a waterwheel to lick all your stamps.
10. Raid the company fridge and taking one bite out of every person’s lunch. Then spit it out, and switch the bites into other people’s sandwiches so they don’t notice the gaps.
9. Come up with 12 ways to goof off during a busy work day.
8. Create a computer virus so that your server, whenever anyone tries to save a document, produces a virtual image of Tony Danza baking.
7. Change out all the black pens in the office with blue pens.
6. Browse the internet for corn.
5. Encourage company posture by shoving a buck-knife through the back of everyone’s rollie-chairs.
4. On all conversations, use only one syllable words. Avoid pronouns if at all possible.
3. Imitate former President Rutherford B. Hayes – either by a) staring at your monitor blankly and asking when the currier is due in with today’s parcels or b) lying motionless in a box.
2. Put fish in the water cooler. And I don’t mean goldfish, I mean marlin. You gotta kinda jam ‘em in there.
1. Make photocopies of your rump. Tape them to the backside of everyone in the office. Scream out “Nice Ass” as often as possible. They can’t call it sexual harassment if it’s your own ass!