12. The telepathic transporter ran out of batteries.

 

11. “I was attacked and robbed by pirates.  Not sea pirates, The Pittsburgh Pirates.  Seriously, they need the money.”

 

10. Instead of hitting the snooze bar, you hit the ‘fuck this, I still need to sleep off the 16 MGD’s I pounded last night’ bar.

 

9. Was captivated by Don’t Fill Up on the Antipasto: Tony Danza’s Father-Son Cookbook

 

8. “I was scalped and mugged by buccaneers.  Not swashbucklers, The Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  Seriously, they need the money.”

 

7. Build a clone.  Dress it to look haphazard and disheveled. Send it in roughly ten minutes AFTER you show up late to work.  Point the finger and claim that it was the other guy’s turn to work today.

 

6. Plead the 5th.  When it is pointed out to you while under oath that you were 5 hours late to your arraignment for the suspected murder of two dozen cub scouts, plead the fifth again, only louder this time.

 

5. The Khardashian sisters all showed up at the front door, each one claiming that she was the most worthy of plastic surgery.  You ever try to talk over clucking chickens to get them to shut up?

 

4. Too busy having a threesome (note: events for which this is not a valid excuse include your wedding, being late for your portrayal of Joseph in the Sunday School Christmas pageant, and your own bris)

 

3. Deadline is a newspaper term… Print media is dead to me.

 

2. “I was kidnapped and pickpocketed by mighty ducks.  Actual very strong ducks.  Really frickin’ weird.”

 

1. Kate is now plus 20, and at least five of them are mine.


 

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