12. Faking your death has become very trite on April Fools’ Day. Fake your own birth.
11. Shoe wedgies.
10. Become the leader of a third world country, preferably one with an extremely hot climate, like Venus. Steal a bunch of Starbucks signs to put in front of as many buildings as possible and offer Suzanne Somers $200 to come and support the children. Watch the smiles on their faces as they see all of her plastic surgery just melt right off her face.
9. Seriously convince the Seattle Mariners that they have a shot at the playoffs this year by hiring Tony Danza as their new head coach. Actually, it probably couldn’t hurt.
8. Stick woopie cushions under all of the seats at church. Not only a funny prank, but now you can go back to that breakfast burrito place on Sundays and not get funny looks during the sermon.
7. Get out those St. Patty’s day “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” shirts. After mackin’, be all like, “April Fools! I’m totally Belgian.”
6. Lather yourself in maple syrup and ride a pony while listening to Celine Dion records wearing nothing but the Canadian flag. Notsomuch an April Fools Prank as it is a way of showing people that Canadians know how to have a good time just like we do.
5. Honor thy father and thy mother. Then, on April 2nd, go back to urinating in their filing cabinet of important documents. False senses of security are hysterical.
4. Get really really good at football. Get drafted by the Buffalo Bills. Bring hope to the 14 fans they still have left. Then you know… don’t show up and continue to crush the hopes of a fallen franchise!
3. Invent a wit sharpener that works much like a pencil sharpener, but for dull people. Try it out on Jimmy Fallon. When he asks why it doesn’t work, explain that it did. Sucker…
2. Set up a hedge fund prior to April 1st. Raise at least five million dollars by saying a whole lot of financial jargon including ‘diversified portfolio,’ ‘expanding economic infrastructure,’ and even Led Zeppelin’s financial term ‘bustle in your hedgerow.’ On April 1st, explain to everyone that they just bought $5,000,000 in hedges.
1. Get a job at ABC. Hack into their video feed from a safe and undisclosed location. Broadcast to the world that you have cracked the mystery of Lost. Then, show a video feed of a Mastiff trying to dry hump a poodle.