12.  You know how snow melts when you pee your name in it?  Well, drink a WHOLE lot of Gatorade and pee out pi.


11. Buy a Clapper.  Attach it to your snow-plow.  Bango!


10.  Invite a Republican to talk on your front lawn.  The snow will melt from the hot air coming out of his mouth.  ZING!  


9.  Call Wile E. Coyote and see if he’ll lend you his Acme catalog.  I’m sure they’ve got some cool stuff in there that should help.


8.  Use the money you get from the stimulus package to employ homeless illegal alien hippie family planners to shovel your sidewalk.


7.  Make snow angels by rubbing small children into the snow – note: this may need to be done for several hours at a time to erode enough snow.


6.  Invite some terrorists to set up shop outside your house.  Inform the US Government of their whereabouts.  The napalm fire our F-16’s and Tony Danza will unleash on them should not only clear out the snow, but also make you a hero in many red states.


5.  Start a neighborhood driveway-tricycle-drag race league.  Make sure that the rules dictate that only your driveway has the specific dimensions for league play. Promote the crap out of it.  With the proper excitement levels, people will do anything, including shovel your driveway, to participate.


4.  Build a Transmogrifier (see Calvin & Hobbes for details.)  Put snow in Transmogrifier.  Turn it into bouillon cubes or a million boobs.


3.  Sneak in $30-40 million additional dollars into a “stimulus plan” that will go directly into your own bank account.  Move to the South Pacific.


2.  Two words: Eric Estrada.  Five more words: that makes no calculable sense.


1.  Call up Snow, the rapper.  Be the “Informer” and let him know you have a job for that bum who’s probably sitting around with nothing going on.  He’ll jump at the chance to get a little cashish.  A-Licky-Boom-Boom-Down.

prev    next