12. Offer people $100 for each time they vote, regardless of who they vote for. Point out that they can vote more than once. If someone alleges this is voter fraud, point out it’s all cool because you don’t have the money to pay them anyhow.
11. Convince a candidate that’s so wildly popular he would easily win the White House to run for President. Yup, Danza/Gosselaar in ’08!
10. Set people on fire. Withhold water or any form of extinguishing until they punch their ticket.
9. Enlighten kids about the democratic process by going to their school, taking them inside a small booth, teaching them to push the right buttons and, while in jail, noting that it’s no wonder nobody votes anymore.
8. This year instead of ‘Hanging Chads’, actually go out and hang a guy named Chad from your front lawn.
7. Tell friends that if they don’t vote, Jesus won’t like them. Don’t tell this to Jews. Jesus will never like them, and they really shouldn’t be allowed to vote anyway.
6. Put sharks everywhere polling stations aren’t.
5. Call Willy Aames. Ask if he can bring over his rubber mallet. Bonk people over the head until they change from a non-voting personality (Loser PrickBastard Charles) into one that is willing to vote (Cool dude Chaz).
4. Make everybody watch Swing Vote, with Kevin Costner, and point out that their vote truly counts, especially if they’re drunk and in
3. Inform people that there are special secret candidates that have been nominated who are actually qualified for the job. The only way to know who they are is by going to the polls!
2. Hire NBA retread players. Break through protesting picket lines using the pick and roll.
1. Employ regional entertainment to keep crowds enjoying their time waiting to vote. In