12. All utility infielders must wear a utility belt at all times.

11. Playoffs will be shorter due to the elimination of travel days. And warm-up pitches. And balls.

10. Selig decrees that if you hit a bird with a pitch in the World Series, you automatically win the whole series, no questions asked. This leads to a scandal when the 2013 Cubs who, finally back in the series, let out 50,000 birds during the first inning and still manage to miss them all. They’ll go on to be swept.

9. One player on the hitting team is allowed to position a player anywhere in the field they choose with an air-horn.

8. In an effort to increase the number of perfect games, spitballs will once again be allowed, as will snotballs, fartballs, and the ever-controversial amnioticfluidballs.

7. Joe Buck and Tim McCarver will be banned from broadcasting the World Series and replaced by Statler and Waldorf from the Muppet Show. As an added bonus, the on-the-field reporter will be a certain former reliever for the St. Louis Cardinals who’s been toiling around southern Connecticut as a housekeeper, but is more than well deserving of a career revival.

6. Out of respect for all of the international players in the game, the national anthem of each country will be played before starting lineups. To help speed up the process, all anthems will be played at the same time.

5. To tip the scales once again in favor of the hitters, the mound will be moved back 6 more feet. And pitchers must now throw from a 2’ ditch.

4. Instant replay will be expanded, but only to review pitchouts.

3. No more lip-gloss. That means you A-Rod!

2. At least one pitch every inning must be either thrown with the opposite hand, or punted.

1. If you wear protective armgear while at the plate and are hit on it, you are not allowed first base; it is simply a ball. However, if you come to the plate dressed as one of the Milwaukee Brewers’ Sausage Race participants and you are hit by a pitch, you are entitled to take second.


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