12. Leave a jar of applesauce for at least three to four years before serving. Goes down like a fine wine, and also helpful during the teething stage.
11. Show your child old clips of Kevin Meaney’s stand-up routines. NOTHING silences a crowd faster.
10. Create a nighttime smoothie for him by crushing up roofies into his formula (note: this is significantly harder, but not wholly impossible, while breastfeeding.)
9. Most children will nod out during a short car ride. If you’re short on time, drive faster. If you’re really short on time, drive directly into a neighbor’s home at 75 mph or more. That way they can call the paramedics for any injuries you may have, and also keep an eye on your delightfully quiet and concussed child while the ambulance makes its way over.
8. Sing lullabies or, if you have a shaky voice, hit her with a brick.
7. Inform your child that all children who cry end up being sent to Delaware.
6. Buy an old MacGyver box set and see if he ever figured out how to do it. If that fails, try the same with a Who’s The Boss box set – Danza is the MacGyver of the home.
5. Hit the Ctrl-Alt-Delete buttons located under the child’s foot. Then reboot, or in this case, rebootie.
4. Lay your child in front of the television. Put on Women’s Soccer.
3. Research has shown that babies are visceral, and react favorably to demonstrative photographs. Try to find pictures of babies of his age sucking on their thumbs by Googling “young babes in diapers sucking.”
2. Give birth to Helen Keller.
1. He is probably crying because he is full of gas. So pop him.