20. In the latest head-scratching move, Senator Joe Lieberman confounds pundits by running for Czar of Russia.
19. The state of Illinois makes an unsuccessful invasion attempt of Indiana. To alleviate the tension, Obama and Larry Bird “hug it out” during an episode of American Idol.
18. The Nobel Peace prize officially lowers its criteria for nominations to ‘must not have shoved a stick of lit dynamite in anyone’s ass for the last year.’
17. Glen Beck, sporting a suit made entirely of tasty spread, publicly declares that you should invest all your money in butter.
16. Obama partners with various world leaders to successfully revive having the Olympics. His proposal to add ‘hosting SNL’ as an official event falls through.
15. Barack Obama’s popularity takes a downturn when is realized that, not only does his name rearrange to spell out ‘Maraca-kebob’, but that maraca is a slang term for a native of Belize. His popularity rebounds only slightly when it is pointed out that ‘Barack Hussein Obama’ also spelled out ‘Babushka Macaronies.’
14. Joe the Plumber gets recognized with his own national holiday on February 30th.
13. Kanye West interrupts Obama’s State of the Union address to point out that Ex-President Rutherford B. Hayes had the greatest State of the Union address of all time.
12. John McCain experiments in Stand-Up Comedy. His ‘Master Debator’ tour sells out 15 straight nights at the Bunny Ranch Café in Nevada.
11. Alabama is now published on all school maps as Al-Obama
10. The Democratic Congress, with its 60 seat supermajority, was not even able to pass a bill that would make punching babies illegal.
9. Former Staples CEO Ron Sargeant introduces Barack to the ‘Really Easy Button.’ Fifteen seconds after pressing it for the first time, Barack holds a State of the Union address where he proudly announces that the entire cast of Who’s the Boss will be getting back together by being elected to Congress in the state of California. Further, Tony Danza and Mrs. Rossini will be getting her own show on the food network titled Tony’s Baloneys.
8. While the swine flu epidemic strikes, the duck-billed platypus flu is finally destroyed.
7. A study comes out that freaks out Conservatives: it shows that every child that was born as a direct result of the deliberate choice not to have an abortion turned out to be gay.
6. Tiger Woods places second for the first time in ten years in the most trusted black man in America contest. Obama finishes third. First place? Lady Gaga.
5. The truth is revealed that Rush Limbaugh attempted to assassinate the President by sneaking Tareq and Michaela Salahi into the White House state dinner. Limbaugh overestimated the toxicity of reality television personalities, but surprisingly not by much.
4. Dick Cheney had to be informed in mid-October that he was no longer the Vice-President. He responded by shooting someone else in the face and beaming aboard his spaceship.
3. The President announces that North Korea successfully performs is first nuclear test after performing many “nuculer” tests during the four years previous.
2. Joe Biden suffered his worst public gaffe to date when he said he has faith in Congress to do the right thing about Healthcare.
1. Ron Jeremy signed to Cabinet as ‘Stimulus Advisor.’