12. Avoid doing laundry by just buying more deodorant with hopes that nobody notices your wardrobe never changes.
11. Say “I love you” with at least 25% conviction.
10. To Find Tony Danza and Make Out with him… and not have him bite your tongue off.
9. Lose five pounds. A day.
8. Finally ask that Susie Derkins out. Yes, the one from Calvin and Hobbes… just something about that bowl cut…
7. Quote Dishwalla’s “Counting Blue Cars” in every conversation you have. Ever.
6. Watch an entire game of soccer.
5. To ask the Muffin Man what his secret is, and put that bitch Mrs. Fields right out of business.
4. To hold in farts when in pubic places. And to avoid typos.
3. Wean yourself off of biting your fingernails by biting other people’s.
2. Diversify your portfolio with more money spent on secure bonds and less on marshmallow Peeps.
1. Learn to read.