Updated 2/23/08

Q. What is your full name?
A. Derek Peter Sonderfan

Q. What does the "Derek" stand for?
A. It's not an acronym.

Q. Does your name have any meaning?
A. It means "literal translation" in most Latin-based languages. 

Q. So, you know, what do you do?
A. I'm a Renaissance Man.  And I mean that literally.  I have a shield and everything.

Q. Wouldn't the Middle Ages be more famous for shields than the Renaissance?
A. Well, I . . . .I . . . because . . . .shut up, I like paintings. 

Q. How old are you now?
A. I'll be 30 in August.

Q. Are any of these questions actually asked frequently?
A. Occasionally Asked Questions sounded stupid.  And OAQ was downright unpronounceable. 

Q. You could have tried Periodically Asked Questions.
A. You're right, I could have. 

Q. Is your work copywritten?
A. Yes, my material is registered with the Library of Congress.  So if you are planning on stealing it, I'd greatly appreciate it if you told me in advance, because it will greatly speed up the legal proceedings. 

Q. Does that happen often?
A. God no!  Have you READ my stuff? 

Q. Not really.
A. You should. 

Q. Are you currently single?
A. Nope.  I actually moved cross-country to be with my ladycakes.  She's a whole bucket full of awesome.

Q. How can I possibly do everything I want to on this web page?
A. There's a very simple icon configuration that should facilitate-

Q. I just want to poop on it.
A. Oh.

Q. What are your favorite colors?
A. Orange.

Q. And…?
A. Just orange. 

Q. Make up a second favorite color.
A. Smelver.

Q. Because you are still a young adult, you are contractually obligated to list your favorite bands.  Would you do so now?
A. They Might Be Giants, Moxy Fruvous, The Austin Lounge Lizards, Oingo Boingo, The Flaming Lips, Eddie From Ohio, The Arrogant Worms, Deep Purple, Type O Negative, Aerosmith, The Mountain Goats (God help me), Nigthwish, et al...

Q. I've never heard of et al.  What kind of music do they play?
A. You're a moron.

Q. Because you are still a young adult, you must face the fact that everyone else thinks you are irresponsible and the major cause of degradation in our society.  Are you prepared to shoulder this burden?
A. Okay.

Q. What's it like being a twin?
A. Imagine mitosis.  Now imagine it getting almost all the way done before stopping.  Now imagine having to share all your Christmas gifts until you're 24.  It's more like the last thing than the other things.

Q. How did you get the nickname "Fats"?
A. I gave it to myself, actually.  During a non-sanctioned disc-golf tournament, I signed up as "Fats" Sonderfan to separate myself from Mitch.  I had forgotten about it until months later, the TD at another event announced me as "Fats", and the name just stuck.

Q. What are your other nicknames?
A. Esoderek, obviously, which my friend and once roommate Aaron thought up.  Oddly enough, he calls me Fisil.  In very limited disc golf circles, I'm known as Gloves or Muttons.  One ex-girlfriend inexplicably referred to me as Cool-Hand Luke.  I think I sported the nickname "Rick" for a full year in high school, and people had been known to shorten my name to Der, or more often just D (at least half a dozen people called me that).  Nobody has yet to refer to me as Cap'n Platinum Ass, but I'm waiting. 

Q. Don't you remember the nickname Uncle Ray gave you?
A. Oh yeah.  Crane.  I never understood that man.

Q. Why do you know sign language?
A. I have picked some up along the way from various ex-girlfriends, and then I have become quite good friends with several deaf disc golfers.  I become much more fluent in the summer, when I have a chance to see these guys. 

Q. Why are you always single?
A. I'm not.  Are you even READING this thing?

Q.  Rapidfire questions: vanilla or chocolate?
A. Vanilla.

Q. Vanilla or yogurt?
A. Umm, vanilla I guess.

Q. Vanilla or money?
A. Money.

Q. Vanilla or Christina Ricci?
A. I'll take the Ricci, please.

Q. Vanilla or New Zealand?
A. I'm not playing your sophomoric game anymore.

Q. What career aspirations do you have?
A. You know, I feel bad that this is all about me.  Me me me me me.  So the next few are for everyone reading to fill out.

Q. Where is the strangest place you have ever been naked?
A. _____________________________

Q. Name a state that starts with Ohio.
A. _____________________________

Q. Stopping at no less than thirty, list Derek's best attributes.
A. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Q. Have you tried the chum?
A. _____________________________

Q. How much are you asking for that kid you kidnapped?
A. _____________________________

Q. That much? 
A. _____________________________

Q. I assume you've done this before, then?
A. _____________________________

Q. Well, you don't have to be so snippy about it.
A. _____________________________

Q. Back to Derek, do you often glorify yourself so much?
A. Some see it as self-glorification.  I see it as a pleasant alternative to earning a living. 

Q. Aren't people just going to think you're arrogant?
A. I really…really didn't think of that.  I sorta hoped they'd think I was funny. 

Q. I think you're funny.
A. Thank you.

Q. If you could be any tree, what would you be? 
A. The Goat-Rotting Maple.

Q. Did you make that up?
A. Entirely.

Q. What is your best physical characteristic?
A. My ass.  Some say my hands, but some are wrong.  They don't call me Ian Callipyge for nothing.

Q. What is the statistical likelihood that anyone will still be reading this far?
A. 40%

Q. That high?
A. Oops, misplaced the decimal point.  .04%

Q. How do you explain your inability to function in the bedroom?
A. It's mainly a biological…wait, how do you know about this?  This is getting a bit personal.

Q. Any good quiche recipes?
A. Put a full quiche into a bowl of Lucky Charms.  Stir.  Add spices if you want it to taste really crappy. 

Q. Briefs of boxers?
A. If this a question meaning legal briefs vs. professional boxers, I'll have to get back to you, as each has its own particular pros and cons. 

Q.  What's your favorite Game Show?
A.  I was always a fan of Scrabble when that was on, but mainly because I was really good at it as a kid.  Other game shows I like are Press Your Luck, Jeopardy, and MXC (okay, not *technically* a game show, but points ARE given out)  Match Game gets an honorable mention for having the inimitable Charles Nelson Reilly. 

Q.  Where do you come up with [the] stuff [on this site]? 
A.  I have a very active imagination, which is convenient because I have a very inactive social life.  I hope to make money with my esoteric ideas, such as the saving up frequent-flier miles to trade them for a pilot's license, the idea that if you don't yawn for three years, you can save them up to lapse into a coma, and Sim Porn. 

Q. Do you like your professional life?
A. It's currently taking a breather.  After spending most of the last two years working on my album and my musical (website no longer active), I've needed to take a step away.  I will hopefully be getting back into improv with a local troupe in Reno, as well as working on an album of Mountain Goats' cover songs.  But aside from some local open mic nights, I've been taking it easy.

Q. Do you need any tenor harmonization accompinament in the forseeable future?
Q. Can I do a guest appearance on a song?  I do rap, you know.
Q. I wanna be on your next album.

A. While I'm flattered that there is a desire to work with me musically, when my band (with guest musicians) outnumbers the people who have purchased the CD, that will be what is called a "bad business idea".  In short, thank you, but I'm sticking to the few volunteer musicians I already have.  However, for live shows, I'll always take friends in attendance who want to sing (or rap) along.  And when I have legions of fans, you can all appear on an album that is produced with someone else's money.

Q. What car do you drive?
A. Sadly, I've gone through the gamut of cars, and each one seems to lose a little character along the way.  Originally, it was the Funkwatt (a 1980 Monty Carlo) which was the automobile equivalent to the australopithecine.  But man did that car have class.  And rust.  Lots of rust.  I moved on from that to a 1985 Plymouth Reliant which, in the words of my brother Craig, boasted a 'cigarette lighter that works really well' among its better attributes.  After that, I had a 1990 Chevy Lumina which, aside from a bad paint job, was a fairly decent car (until the engine, alternator, rear brakes, and battery all needed simultaneous replacement).  Now, in terms of a dependable car, I have the best in a 2002 Saturn SL2.  But unfortunately, in terms of cool, my car is right up there with cholera.

Q. What's next for you?
A. Thursday.

Q. That's just another wise-ass answer.
A. It's okay, you didn't even ask a question just now.

Q. What is your favorite drink (non-alcoholic)?
A. Mountain Dew, and Mountain Dew: Code Red.

Q. What is your favorite drink (alcoholic)?
A. Sex on the Beach, and Red Devil: Code Dew.

Q.  How often are you asked these frequently asked questions?
A.  Let's put it this way - that last question was the first one I've ever received more than once.  And that was asked twice. 

Q.  Can you answer that with marbles in your mouth?
A.  Yeff, but it affectf my tyhing drafticly for somv reafin. 

1.  Why don't you number your FAQ? 
A. I have no idea what you're talking about.

Q. How come you don't look like your twin?
A. It's all about the recessive genes.  Looks like SOMEONE needs to look at their Punnet Squares again.

Q. Why am I even wasting my time?
A. That means you are properly utilitizing the many features of this website.  It has been designed to whittle away countless hours at work/home/temple that could be better spent doing nearly anything else.  Leading experts call it "The Most Successful Waste of Time Ever Recorded"

Q. Pants or no pants? 
A. No-pants (no-brainer)

Q. Being into astronomy like myself, you must have a scientific way of thinking.  What is your opinion on 'intelligent design' being taught in schools?
A. I'm fine with it - I took many classes in high school that have no applicability anywhere later in life. 

Q. Why does McHale have a man-vag?
A. This really is something that you might have wanted to email me privately, instead of taking the extra effort to fill out a FAQ form.  Just my opinion.  To answer your question: it's genetic.

Q. Why do we need code verification to submit questions?  Who would want to hack YOUR page?
A. You may be surprised to know that the CIA has been rumored to already have hacked into this page once.  See the article here.  And there are even less confirmed reports of Jim J. Bullock and Oscar Meyer (the entire company) both trying to hack into the mainframe.  It's a precautionary measure.  You never can be too careful.

Q. These gnomes that are coming, are they underpants gnomes?
A. No.

Q. Why you gotta hate on the playa, playa?
A. I only accept questions like this from ethnically-correct people.  Sorry, Dan. 

Q. Is it safe to assume you taped 120 Minutes every weekend in the 80's?
A. These questions are getting pretty obscure.  No, the answer is no.

Q. Why do you not have a place to just send regular messages to you from this site instead of specific ones?
A. There is a new interactive part of the site where all of the places you, the public, can write in, including a generic form.  You can find it on the bottom of all pages, and it says Contact Derek.

Q. Do you want to give any "shout-outs"?
A. No.  Not really.

Q. Are there any last comments you have about the Frequently Asked Questions?
A. This page should just be a nice diversion from your workplace, your decrepit home-life, your aging cat with rickets.  It's a nice escape, really, and I'm all about escapism.  I mean that in the Harry Houdini-type sense.  I handcuff myself to electric fences and submerge myself in tapioca and--